Relaxed Parents

Dudelet and his Mighty Pink Cast are lying on the sofa watching the Tweenies. I’m sitting next to him, changing the occasional nappy, pretending to woof like a dog when called on to and writing this. Other than requiring progress reports (“Is it finished yet?”), dudelet is happy to let me do so.

I ran across The Parenting Manifesto Project mediated by the fascinating RebelDad a few weeks ago. He calls on parents (particularly dads, perhaps) to write “a manifesto of no more than 500 words (on any parenting/balance topic you can think of).”

Never being one to pass up an opportunity for introspection, here’s my contribution:

• If you’re going to be a parent, be a parent. It took me a year and a half to realise that things had changed – really changed – and that work, passions, everything else was now secondary to being a father. It’s an identity – embrace it. It doesn’t mean that you’re any less you – but “you” are now definitely a father in addition to everything else and that’s going to colour everything differently from here on out.

• Don’t do things “for your kids”. By that, I don’t mean don’t feed them or leave them to put themselves to bed and so on (tricky for a six-week old). I mean, don’t work seventy-hour weeks because “it’s for them”. Obviously I’m addressing people like myself here, the only people I can claim to vaguely have any detailed insight into: white-collar workers who see a broadband connection as a necessity and the idea of writing 500 words on a given topic as a less than unusual occurrence. If I’m working long hours, never getting home in time to bathe dudelet and staying out late every Friday “for the networking”, I’m doing it for me. Kids need us now, not later. Contributions to the college fund are nothing more than conscience money. Do stuff – but be honest about who it’s for.

That’s the big stuff for me. It’s aspirational – I don’t expect to manage it every day or even every week. I’m still learning this. I’m still slipping up. There are sacrifices to be made by all concerned, time to be invested in careers, time to be set aside for me or me and supermum but it’s a compromise, an ongoing negotiation.

Then there’s the little stuff – the technology of parenting, if you like.

Some random nuggets might be:

• Institute a naughty corner but not until after the age of two.
• Don’t disturb the status quo. Don’t move the sleeping baby’s pillow to make her more comfortable. Don’t offer a more interesting book than the one chosen. I’m with Lao Tzu on this one – go with their flow, not yours.
• Don’t help without asking, no matter how much mess is being made, until you’re either asked or until a small child or a piece of property you really don’t want to replace is in danger.
• Never compromise on not accepting anti-social behavior of any kind.
• There is such a thing as loving shouting.
• If they aren’t old enough to count, it isn’t bribery. It’s incentivisation. And there is no situation that cannot be improved via a little strategic deployment of the right incentives.
• TV is not the enemy. Adverts are.
• Take time out to be selfish. Just not all the time.
• Ignore all of the the above when necessary for your own sanity.

All of this is unique to my experience – the same and not-the-same as everyone else’s. My partner would write a wholly different 500 words. I’ve enjoyed and learnt a lot from the other manifestos I’ve read – I look forward to reading more!