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A post on Ask Moxie discusses the issue of being happy with an only child which is a subject of much debate etc around our way at the moment.
The two key issues for us are whether we can find the energy to deal with two (answer: well, everyone else does somehow) and whether it can happen before supermum hits what she’s defined as a personal biological deadline.
Personal to me is a deep sense that I don’t want dudelet to ever feel that he’s alone. There are a lot of nights when I go in and sit next to his bed to watch him sleep for a minute and feel desperately sad that one day, I’ll have to leave him. Of course, that’s plain silly – he’ll hopefully be an adult and will have developed a whole host of coping and support mechanisms – but the heart is not a rational muscle. Also, dudelet loves to be with other children – he’s constantly asking if he can go round to L’s house or T’s house, he’s organising tea parties for his animals. It’s quite heartbreaking as we have no immediate family nearby. His marvellous godparents and their three children engage with us when we all have time but…our feeling is he needs a brother or sister. That’s what the child minder says too, but she could be just touting for more business :)
It’s not a simple thing and it might not be destined to happen in any case. And we’re so lucky to have him.
The post on Ask Moxie, by the way, recommends a number of useful looking resources for examining or thinking about the issue. Supermum and I should probably spend some time with them.
Filed under: children, kids, parenting | Tagged: only child, only children, siblings
we waited 5 years (not intentionally) till our 1st angle was born. we felt ready as a couple to bring a child to this world without really knowing what it means ( no can really tell you),
we waited 3 1/2 years for the 2nd angle to arrive.
the moment she came to our life I felt that I was betraying my 1st one. it took me almost 2 months to get connected to her – I have friends is took them a whole year ( at first I felt that there is something wrong with me).
It’s an amazing feeling having 2 kids. True, it’s 180 degrees different then what we had before. but we are (I hope) attentive to our 1st one’s needs ( being both me and wify first born we are more in tune with the feeling of lose), and I have to say that I never thought that I could love as much but it is happening.
I believe that you should feel that you are ready because otherwise it’s a very unjust and painful life for the kids.
my 2 cents.
I just want one child although I have found myself constantly doubting whether this is the right choice. You hear all sorts of silly adages: “An only child is a lonely child” etc. My Kiko is like your dudlet – he loves company, in fact he’s a tiny social animal, but I wonder if he would necessarily get on with a brother or sister. (We don’t have any family nearby either). I have a friend who is a sociable person yet has been known to have fist fights with her sister. Then I say to myself: “There are 6 billion people in the world – could this only child ever really be lonely?” Even with 8 brothers and sisters he could still be lonely if he felt that way in his heart.
Anyway, you can see I’m a bit angst-ridden on this topic. At the very minimum I would like 5 years between children but I am now also reaching that personal biological deadline.
I grew up basically an only child and there were a lot of lonley times. And, of course, L.A. Mommy grew up with a younger brother and she wishes she were an only child at times.
We’ll definitely have another but we know it’s not going to be easy.
Before I had kids, I wanted 3-5. I looked down my nose at all the parents who chose to have only children, and thought, “How could you DO that?” Then… I had my first. I immediately thought, “I’m done.” If there hadn’t a birth control accident, he would still probably be an only child.
Now I have four children. #3 was not planned, either, but #4 was. Now, I’d like #5. Not immediately, but sometime soon. My ‘older’ kids are now 9, 7 & 5, and I have this 6 month old baby girl floating in the breeze, so to speak, with no sib to be her similar-aged companion.
I was just telling her this morning, “What would we do without you? We didn’t know what we were missing!!!” It’s hard to explain, but there’s a part of me that *aches* for my 2nd, 3rd & 4th children when I think of how I would have missed out on parenting them, if I’d have had “my way” after our first, and just stopped with him.
All that to say, I *completely* understand not wanting another child, and being satisfied with ‘just’ one. ‘Just’ one is PLENTY. Life can certainly be full with one child, and every once in a while all the benefits of having only one child flit through my head. However, even though it wasn’t initially my plan, I just can’t fathom being without my others, and I am extremely glad that God trumped my own plans and gave me the kids that He did.
Hope that makes sense.
Also, I thought what abba-daddy described would be the case for me; I had no grid for what another child might be like, and really didn’t think that I was up for the task. However, the moment he was born, I thought, “He’s perfect.” I have a theory that God gives us *just* the right child at just the right time, and that there’s something that child needs that s/he can’t find anywhere else but in YOUR family… and conversely, there’s something YOU need that you won’t find anywhere else but in the process of fathering that particular child.
Anyways. Sorry to ramble here. Suffice it to say that I understand both ’sides’ of the angst-ridden debate, but I’m glad that things turned out the way they did for me.
Hi all – the nice thing about this weird practice called blogging when you unexpectedly find yourself pouring your heart out a little and all of a sudden, you get a reply.
I can’t imagine four! Though friends of ours had the shock of their lives six months in when their planned second turned out to be twins.
I think as LA Daddy says, we’d like another – but it won’t be easy. And then there’s the clock going for both of us – I’m five years older than my partner and I really want to be able to run around and keep. Who wants a dad on a stroller?